Dragon Mazie

For the New Year

2005-12-30T11:00:00.000-08:00

I wasn't sure when i was going to unvail the new home...but now is as good as time as any. I have a few changes for the New Year...

I am going to start going by my real name Jessica. Dragon doesn’t fit, and hasn’t for a while. Jessica is who I am in life and who I want to be online.

I have a new website: jessicamazie.com I want my new site to be a bit more me.

She's Not Kidding

2005-12-07T08:25:00.000-08:00

A woman once told me how when she and her husband had their first child, he walked around in a daze for about a month. It was like he kept realizing that he was an adult with a wife and a house…and now a kid. He kept telling her that he had to grow up because he was now a father. When the second child came, same thing happened. He kept telling her “We aren’t kidding around with this parent stuff we now have TWO KIDS!”

I had a similar experience. I found out that one of my best friends is having her SECOND KID! She isn’t kidding around with this parenting stuff! I being SO FAR WAY from the marriage and child stage of my life I have a hard time thinking that anyone my age is ready to be in that stage.

I went over to her love nest yesterday. She is so beautiful with her belly! Her husband is so supportive he is working so she can stay home. He is so gentle, just what she needs. And her almost two year old son is a pure delight. He is starting to talk, if forget how smart a two year old can be. I was so glad to see her and the wonderfulness of the family…I may not be ready for the next step and a family, but I’m glad that some one is.

No Offence...

2005-11-23T13:51:00.000-08:00

I hate when people use the phrase “No offence…” To clarify I know that I have used it before. I think that when I use the phrase I mean it in a I don’t want to offend you, please let me know if I do so I can clarify my thoughts better kind of way. I believe that when use to account for that the next thoughts coming out of your mouth are raw and may not be as polished as you would like the phrase is fine. But when the phrase “No offence…” is used to distract form the blow that is about to be issued, I think in that case you need to stand up make the blow above the waist.

By starting the sentence with “No offence…” you set up the person that you are conversating with to be on guard and defensive. It is code for “Watch out the next thing I’m going to say will hurt you, but I don’t want to be rude…” I think that the phrase should be replaced with what you really want to say or nothing. Here are some, let me know if you have more suggestions…

“I think that you are a bitch and…”

“Man you are ugly and…”

“If you are offended by this don’t let me know, I don’t care enough to see your reaction…”

“Did I ever tell you that your kids were ugly?...and…”

“You are probably too stupid to get that this is an insult, but…”

Knitters Anonymous

2005-11-21T16:08:00.000-08:00

Hello my name is Dragon and I’m an addict. I just noticed that I have a problem. Knitting is consuming my life. I have been staying up all hours to knit. I keep telling myself that this is the last row, and then I will stop…and it is never the last row. I knit the next row and the next row. I have been going to the store (without The Man’s knowledge) about every other day to get new yarn. I have been choosing to knit over spending time with friends and family. I have gotten dark circles under my eyes from lack of sleep. I keep telling myself that I’m in control and that I can stop any time I choose. But I have recognized that this problem is bigger then me, I’m no longer in control of my life. I live thinking when and how will I get my next fix. The needles are controlling me.

I love the high I get when the needle are in my hand. I know that I can’t knit like this forever. I need to get my knitting under control. I have been spending HOURS knitting, looking at patterns and reading about knitting. I have completed 4 scarves for Christmas in the past two weeks. I have a list of projects that I want to work on after I finish all of my holiday knitting. I want to continue to knit, but I want my life back. The Man deserves to have me back.

**I need to borrow my mom’s camera so I can post pictures of all my holiday knitting projects.

The Perverted Old Man

2005-11-08T15:19:00.000-08:00

The Man: “My mom is ruining my life; I think that she is voting YES on Prop 73”

(Prop 73 would make a under age girl have to tell her parents about an abortion if she where to have one.)

Dragon: “Why you plan on impregnating underage girls? I hate to break it to you but I’m a LEAGAL ADULT.”

The Man: “No!”

Dragon: “Then how is your mom RUINING your life?”

The Man: “No they were separate thoughts.”

Dragon: “Oh, my mistake.”

Bounce

2005-10-27T16:59:00.000-07:00

The Man came and had lunch with me. It was wonderful…until, he started zoning out of the conversation. The conversation being on a LIFE CHANGING topic.

Dragon: “I hate not having a set major. I feel so lost. Sometimes I think that I want to go back to being a math major, because at least I would have direction.”

The Man: “Yeah, I know what you mean.”

D: “I have been doing some soul searching and thinking that I should just focus on topics that interest me and not decide a major till I need to declare one.”

TM: “Yeah, wait till you declare one.”

D: “So I’m just going to take fun classes. This spring I plan on taking Accounting, Philosophy…

TM interrupts: “You know philosophy is hard!”

D: “Yeah, I know. What you don’t think I can handle it?”

TM: “That isn’t what I said.”

D: “Anyways, Accounting, Philosophy and Ceramics. I think that it will be a good semester. I plan on focusing on administration, politics, and philosophy. I think that administration will be a good foundation to understand policies and that politics is the best way to go about changing them. I also think that philos…”

TM interrupts and doesn’t even let me finish my sentence or word for that matter: “Yeah, yeah, I think that is wonderful and all. Did I tell you what I did after my Chemistry test? Well, I went to the library and started reading this book on Columbus…”

D I’m sure I interrupted him, but I wasn’t listening to him go on and on and on and on about the stupid Columbus book: “So I take it that you don’t care what I major in, or what I do with my life.”

TM: “No, I care. I just don’t want to talk about it, so I changed the subject.”

Second Chances

2005-10-14T13:59:00.000-07:00

Some days just don’t go as planned and even when they start on a bad note and end on a bad not you have little pick me up to help you remember “this too shall pass.” Here is the email that The Man sent me, and I must say he has perfect timing…today I needed the pick me up.

“Just wanted to say that I love you, and I think you are so amazing, astonishing, astounding, fabouls, fantastic, incredible, marvelous, miraculous, phenomenal, prodigious, stupendous, unbelievable, wondrous, divine, dandy, dreamy( what any guy would want), super, cool, groovy, and especially hot.

Hope you are having a wonderful day and that everything is going perfect.

-The Man”

I love that even some of the worst days give you a second chance to make it a good day. I have decided that today will be a good day!!

Bizarre

2005-10-12T18:22:00.000-07:00

Random things today that I heard people say:

“It October, not Burger King. You can’t have it your way, you’ll have it MY WAY!”

“HOW DO I UNLOCK IT???”-I could hear the woman yelling from inside the car next to me at her husband who was outside of the car. Man car locks these days can be tricky

Woman: “I don’t think that the caffeine is working anymore.” Man: “Maybe you should get some sleep.” Woman: “Huh, I hadn’t thought of that.”

Woman: “I don’t remember who I called, can you help me out?” I repeated who I was and the name of the company that I work for. Woman: “Shit! No only am I lost, but I don’t know how to dial!” CKICK

Yep it has been one of “those” days, nothing has quite made since.

First Day Of My Life

2005-10-07T12:35:00.000-07:00

I love this song so much. I think you should find it, download it, and sing it to loved ones.

BRIGHT EYES LYRICS

"First Day Of My Life"

This is the first day of my life
I swear I was born right in the doorway
I went out in the rain suddenly everything changed
They're spreading blankets on the beach

Yours is the first face that I saw
I think I was blind before I met you
Now I don’t know where I am
I don’t know where I’ve been
But I know where I want to go

And so I thought I’d let you know
That these things take forever
I especially am slow
But I realize that I need you
And I wondered if I could come home

Remember the time you drove all night
Just to meet me in the morning
And I thought it was strange you said everything changed
You felt as if you had just woke up
And you said “this is the first day of my life
I’m glad I didn’t die before I met you
But now I don’t care I could go anywhere with you
And I’d probably be happy”

So if you want to be with me
With these things there’s no telling
We just have to wait and see
But I’d rather be working for a paycheck
Than waiting to win the lottery
Besides maybe this time is different
I mean I really think you like me

I'd shove him back into the oven until he is done cookin'

2005-10-01T09:20:00.000-07:00

I wonder if I ever want kids, after last night. I like kids in the same way I like animals. I don’t like having to clean up after them or be around them when they are annoying. But when they are being cute, or sleeping who can resist them?

Last night The Man and I made some mistakes on our date:

ONE: We went to see a move on the opening weekend. This is a HUGE mistake when you don’t like to hear people talking during the movie.

TWO: We went to see a PG movie before 10pm, there for our theater was full of kids.

THREE: We sat by one of the families that had kids.

We went to see the greatest game ever played. Good flick, I think, I didn’t get to hear or see all of it. Now I know that normally when people say that they didn’t see all of the movie it is because they A) were making out during the movie B) you had to go to the bathroom and miss the most important part, and therefore the movie doesn’t make sense or C) you are 14 and told your parents that you are going to the movie, but then go and do something else. I didn’t realize that there were so many more options.

In my case it was D) you are sitting next a bratty kid who is slurping his soda for half of the movie. I couldn’t hear the dialog, because I as bombarded with SSSSS-LLLLL-UUUU-RRRR-PPPPPP. And I assume that the kid had been no manors because in between SSSSS-LLLLL-UUUU-RRRR-PPPPPPs he would gargle. This kid, who I also assume has ADHD, would get up every five or ten minutes to discuss the movie with is dad. His dad was sitting one seat way, so Mr. Elephant Foot Kid would STOMP AS LOUD as he could walking the yard to his dad, and then the dad would have a conversation with the boy. “DAD, WHO IS THAT. IS HE THE BAD GUY?” “I don’t know, I’m just your inconsiderate father, now drink your soda, son.” “SSSSS-LLLLL-UUUU-RRRR-PPPPPP” STOMP STOMP STOMP back to his original seat. E) You are trying to shoot lasers out of your eyes as the bratty kid and his father. I kept thinking aht my look of death would stop them. D) Father of bratty kid’s cell phone rang. He had one of those LOUD rings BEEP- BEEP BEEP- BEEP BEEP BEEP- BEEP- BEEP BEEP- BEEP BEEP BEEP. And the worse part was he couldn’t find the damn thing, he was franticlly looking for it was Bratty Kid was yelling, “HEY DAD YOUR PHONE IS RINGING. WHERE IS THE PHONE? WHO IS IT?…” and E)This is were I switch from lasers to NUCULAR BOMB LOOKS.

Are people so out of it that they have no idea that they are being rude?

Is It A Right?

2005-09-29T18:37:00.000-07:00

Watch out, there is something in the water at my house. It seems like every thing that I say or do offends some one. And if I’m not the one doing the offending, then I’m the one being offended. I have been wearing my skin thin lately. Sorry if this post is a little jumpy.

Do we have the right to be offended? I say yes we do, but we don’t always have the right to offend back. Meaning, if someone says something that we don’t agree with, we have the right to be offended. But we don’t have the right to make them listen to our counter argument and explanation on why we where offended. Example the racist has a right to assemble and speak. Someone if walking by and hear the racist propaganda have the right to be offended by it (I would be), but they don’t have the right to stop the racist from saying offensive material. We don’t have the right to take away others freedoms.

I recently was talking to someone that they made a very rude comment and then piggybacked on the comment, no offence. Well I was offended, and they had the right to say what they said. I didn’t say anything or even comment on my being offended.

That got me thinking, if I had acted what would I have said. Would it have been on the lines like, “please don’t say things like that around me?” That would have been a small action on my part, but an action rooted on infringing on the rights of the person that I was talking to. It would have been me trying to limit her freedom of speech.

So then we have the right to many freedoms in the constitution, and I believe that includes the right to be offended, but we don’t have the right to act on our offendedness if the actions attempt or take away the rights of others. If this is true then how is conflict resolved? How do we show that in our addressing the situation that we have no intentions of taking away the rights/freedoms of others? I know that in part of this was always have the right to ignore, like I ignored the rude comment from person that I was talking with or how people ignore the people outside of shopping malls trying to get you to sign their petitions. If one ignores, and then explodes that isn’t healthy.

Are we too worried about not offending others that we are willing to give up our freedoms?

Recovering Mormon

2005-09-29T07:29:00.000-07:00

I recently got negative feedback from a comment I left, that I think was misunderstood, on a different website. I made reference to being a recovering Mormon. I have to admit that I use this term as a personal joke to myself (I know that I use humor to deal with subjects that I am not completely comfortable with) and as a lighter way of saying "I have turned my back on God and all the blessings that he gives. Instead I have decided to join Satan and his team of evil doers who eat children and do other unspeakable things."

In this comment I mentions the fact that I am no longer practicing Mormonism to demonstrate how my life and experiences might differ from those who are in the religion, and therefore there are things that I don't share things with those who are still practicing. I never meant my comment to do any harm, be controversial, or to offend anyone, which I did. (Hello those of you who I offended, and are now visiting my website =))

I assume (please correct me if I'm wrong) that many of my Mormon friend/relatives feel sorry for me and some of the decision that I have chosen. Not sorry in a pity way, but more of a sorry in a they wish I still had the "fullness of the gospel" and living up to my divine nature.

I know that I edit my self around some of these Mormon people for both of our sakes. Recently I ran in to a Mormon acquaintance and he was telling me stories of his wife. He didn't go into graphic detail but he eluted to his sex life and insinuated that I wouldn't understand. I did not fill him in on the fact that I live (in sin) with The Man. The reason that I didn't tell him of my living arrangement wasn't because I am ashamed of it, because I'm not. It was because I remember when I was active in the church and had a close friend move out with her boyfriend, I remember thinking how sad it was that she was so lost. I remember feeling sorry for her, and wishing that she would find God again. I also remember it not occurring to me that she could still have a relationship with God and live out of wedlock with a boy. I remember having conversations with my other active friends and us discussing what we could do to help her come back to church. Now that I am the one who has left the church and the one who is living with her boyfriend I see the situation totally differently.

I also edit my self to save my self from feeling guilty. (I love the line by Tori Amos "Got enough guilt to start my own religion") I don't tell the whole truth, because I'm not comfortable with the whole truth yet. When you have been raised since you were little with one philosophy it is hard to completely erase it and start a new. (Not that I want to completely erase it, I just want to edit some of it.) I know that when people ask me some questions I tell them more or less what they want to hear, because when I even think of the true sentence I want to say, I feel unsure about it.

I know that this past almost two years has been a growing and changing experience; I keep wondering how my beliefs and I will evolve.

“No woman in the history of the world is having better sex than sex you are having with Ian... in my head.” –Rob in High Fidelity

2005-09-28T11:21:00.000-07:00

Reasons I have been going crazy:

One: I have it on good authority that “this girl,” in Mr. Man’s study group, is (and I quote) “very attractive and good looking.”

Two: Group is the wrong term. It is more like an intimate study couple, for it consist of only Mr. Man and “this girl”.

Three: They study chemistry. We all know that “studying chemistry” is code of making out or worse. (OH GOD IT BETTER NOT BE WORSE!!!) And we all know the code, because we have all used it. I used it and I have never even taken Chem.

Four: I have an over active imagination. No female is as beautiful or wonderful as I imagine “this girl”. No one is so wonderful or ladylike. Never mind the wonder of Angelina Jolie. She must be poised and graceful. She is great at sex and is easy satisfied. She would never tell fart jokes or product burps that sink up the entire car. No one is as sexy or mystifying as “this girl”. Never mind the Shannyn Sossamon and her wonderful hair. Never before has a girl been more craved then Mr. Man craves “that girl.” Her goal in life is to please you. She is passionate and self confident. More angelic then Jennifer Garner. Yet she is humble and understanding. She is funny, witty and gets all of you jokes. Forget Jessica Biel. She is Smart and adventuress. You share interest and she understands when Mr. Man goes on his higher level math and science rants. I haven’t even gotten to how scrumptious her body is or how she is more lushes then Salma Hayek. And worst of all I imagine that if I were to meet “that girl” I think that I would like her. After all, I mentally made her into the best woman ever.

Five: Mr. Man and “that girl” are having a candle lit study date tonight. “That girl” is bringing the strawberries, whip cream, and Champaign. Then after the oil massage and review, they will head to the hot-tub for flash cards.

*NOTE: Mr. Man has never given me any reason to worry. I completely trust him, it is just “that girl” that I have reservations about.
**Message to “that girl”: He better come back in one piece, without any marks.

This is a Lesson in Procrastination

2005-09-26T16:05:00.000-07:00

Homework! Oh, Homework!
by Jack Prelutsky
Homework! Oh, homework!
I hate you! You stink!
I wish I could wash you
away in the sink.
If only a bomb
would explode you to bits.
Homework! Oh, homework!
You're giving me fits

I'd rather take baths
with a man-eating shark,
or wrestle a lion
alone in the dark,
eat spinach and liver,
pet ten porcupines,
than tackle the homework
my teacher assigns.

Homework! Oh, homework!
You're last on my list.
I simply can't see
why you even exist.
If you just disappeared
it would tickle me pink.
Homework! Oh, homework!
I hate you! You stink!

Things that I did to avoid doing dreaded homework:
When to dinner at the Thai Cottage…Yummy.
Slept and napped
Read Magazines
Went to see Just like Heaven
Watched TV
Did laundry
Celebrated October Fest at Sac Brew
Went to church
Helped Mr. Man’s mom with yard work
Went to Ikea and got this and this (I was going to show you everything that we got, but i couldn't find it fast enough on the web site...and i'm sure that you don't need to see EVERYTHING. I know you probably don't care about our new art, salt and pepper shakers, etc., so I;m not going to waist the time finding you links.)
Went book shopping
Went to CPK
Left my backpack at the house I was housesitting at so I didn’t have to do my hated homework
Slept and napped
Went to see Proof (I had seen the play a while back and thought it was WONDERFUL. I loved the movie just as much.)
Attacked and attempted to beat Mr. Man at wrestling
Played Tetris Attack, aka the best Super Nintendo game EVER
Read
Wasted time online

As you can see it was a wonderful weekend, filled with all the desired activities and almost no homework.

Vote 2008

2005-09-23T10:01:00.000-07:00

Is this for real? I don’t know if I’m the only person that he scares. I can’t imagine having a president that I think is crazy enough that if I met him he just might kill me.

Bring Back My Bonnie to Me

2005-09-22T11:33:00.000-07:00

I feel like the lame ex boyfriend that comes crawling back and begs for forgiveness.
PLEASE, OH PLEASE FORGIVE ME!! I would insert a promise her that I don’t know if I can keep, but what I will do instead is let you know that I have missed blogging.

I have missed seeing something funny, cute, horrible, maddening and thinking that I must share this with those who read my site. I have missed coming to my site after I have posted, looking to see if any one reacted to my post. I don’t know how things will be in the future, but I know not having this blog has been a huge void in my life.

Well You're Crazy Mama

2005-09-22T11:15:00.000-07:00

My boss thinks that I’m crazy. I know that it may be true, but I only want to hear that I’m crazy if I have paid a well trained professional to tell me so. I have been getting email up dates from him, and he has been sending them to my personal email. I commented on how I was the only email, on the list he has been sending updates to, that uses a handle. The rest of them have boring email addresses like joesmith@gmail.com.

Boss: “well there are some of us who are proud of who we are and then there…um…well…you!”
(Burn!)
Me: “No, I like a super internet hero. You know me as Jessica the Internet knows me as DRAGON” (dragon her is stated with such pride and I do the superman flying pose. Shut-up, I know that I’m a total geek and borderline looser.)
Boss: “I don’t know what is worse, you being ashamed of your identity or you being delusional?”
(Double Burn!)

*Funny, I use dragon to hide my real identity and then in this post all about my name I spew out my real name. Isn’t it ironic, don’t you think?

Evaporated - Ben Folds

2005-08-11T08:26:00.000-07:00

what I've kept with me
and what I've thrown away
and where the hell I've ended up
on this glary, random day
were the things I really cared about
just left along the way
for being too pent up and proud?

woke up way too late
feeling hungover and old
and the sun was shining bright
and I walked barefoot down the road
started thinking about my old man
it seems that all men
want to get into a car and go
anywhere

here I stand:
sad and free
I can't cry
I can't see
what I've done
no, God,
what have I done?

don't you know I'm numb, man, no,
I can't feel a thing at all, 'cause it's
all smiles and business these days
and I'm indifferent to the loss
and I've faith that there's a soul somewhere
that's leading me around
I wonder if she knows which way is down

here I stand:
sad and free
I can't cry
and I can't see
what I've done
no, God,
what have I done?
ooh

and I poured my heart out
and I poured my heart out
it evaporated...
see?

blind man on a canyon's edge
of a panoramic scene
maybe I'm a kite that's flying high
and random, dangling a string
or slumped over in a vacant room
head on a stranger's knee
I'm sure back home
they think I've lost my mind

here I stand:
sad and free
I can't cry
and I can't see
what I've done
no, God,
what have I done?

Good Night Moon...Good Night Blog...

2005-07-21T10:46:00.000-07:00

This is the last DragonMazie post...who knows I may come back some day...but that won’t be for a long time...not till I have a few things figured out...we'll see where my new adventures will take me...

Eat Your Vegetables

2005-05-23T16:12:00.000-07:00

I was out and over heard some kids talking about vegetables. (I think they may have been onto something.)

Kid #1: “Chocolate is the best food ever, because it taste good and is good for you.”
Kid #2: “no it isn’t good you.”
#1: “yes it is! It is a vegetable!”
#2: (with excitement): “It is?”
#1: “Chocolate comes form coco beans…and beans are vegetables…SO chocolate is a vegetable. See I told you so!”
#2: “ I like vegetables”

With this logic coffee, tobacco, and potato chips are also vegetable. I think I may try the “all” vegetable diet. I wonder what other foods I could stretch to get on the veggie list.

Linkend

2005-05-21T08:57:00.000-07:00

I have been thinking of having a link weekend or a "linkend"sometime during the weekend I will post links of thing that I think are funny or sites that I love and you let me know what you think of them.

100 ways to lose your lover

I don’t’ know why I think cheesy pickup lines and bad brake up lines are so funny. But I do they get me every time.

Why I'm Waiting to Have Kids

2005-05-19T10:52:00.000-07:00

Recently I was talking with a friend about having children, in general not me specific. We were weighing the pros and cons of having daughter or sons. He said to me well boys can’t get pregnant and that is a major pro. I pass along a saying that Nellie had told me and replied with, when you have a son you only have to worry about one penis, but when you have a girl you have to worry about ALL of them. He looks at me and said, “You are sick!” and walked away.

Craftsman

2005-05-18T10:06:00.000-07:00

The Man and I have been trying to put together our house. Each room and section of it seems to be an adventure. Take the bathroom for example. While brainstorming what we wanted the bathroom to be like (we do this for all the rooms so we know that we are on the same page as far as decoration, organization, and everything.) he says, “Which side is mine?”
Me: “You don’t get a side.”
Man: “what? I don’t get a side, YOU GET THE WHOLE ROOM?”
Me.: “Yeap. But you do get a spot.”

Well the bathroom has been a big task do to all of my product. I needed a shower tree for the extra storage in the bath area. How can anyone shower with out at least five different body wash options? So, we headed to Target for the needed item, and found the perfect one. The light shone one the box, and I even thought I heard a voice saying how perfect it would be.

So we get home and I am determined to put it together. I’m so excited to have the space to get the most important room in the house together that start building the shower tree. There was more assembly then I expected. I get it all in place, and it is too big. After an hour of me talking nice to the huge shower storage unit and attempting to put it in place, even thought I know that it won’t work, I realize IT DOESN’T FIT! There is nothing more that I can do…. with out a hacksaw. Yeah, you hear me a hacksaw!!

I couldn’t return it because during assembly I put a few dents in the rod. So we head off to Home Depot to get a hacksaw. (The Man thinks that I’m CRAZY. He thinks that it would be easier to find one that fits the space…but as he know there is no changing my mind when I’m on a mission.) I get home and start to saw. I saw off a half of foot and put the stand back in place…STILL TOO BIG! In my excitement I had sawed off the wrong part. Oops! So I get the right piece and start hacking away. I think to myself that I have really out smarted this bathroom accessory. I was ready to claim victory and put my shower tree in place. BUT IT STILL DIDN’T FIT! WTF?!?! I had sawed from the correct side this time, but I hadn’t gotten enough off. So I have to take at least one more inch off. I took two to be on the safe side. I put it in place, AND IT WORKS!!! REJOICE! So last night after all handy work I was able to finish my bathroom.

It is a good thing I didn’t tell The Man that he could have a side. He only has part of a drawer, and my products have the rest. Ahh the joy that comes with an organized bathroom dedicated to beauty supplies.

I Was Lost, But Now I'm Found

2005-05-10T23:39:00.000-07:00

I love ikea!! So over the weekend we took the trip to ikea. We needed a truck to get all the stuff back, so we invited Zak & Sara (no joke!!! They are a couple and that is their name, we sing the song to them all the time. For those of you that have know idea what I’m talking about you NEED to check out Ben Folds. He is amazing!!) Sara and I wanted to have girl time and Zak and The Man wanted to smoke cigars. So the girls drove the car down and the boys took Zak’s truck. Right before we had to take the exit and do some freeway changes, I got cut off by this HUGE truck. It was SO BIG I couldn’t see ANYTHING!!! I lost Zak’s truck. And I of course took the wrong exit. So I called The Man to find out what to do and were I should have gone. Remember that I hate getting lost and it doesn’t happen very often.

Dragon: “WHERE THE F*CK ARE YOU??!!!???”
The Man: “On our way to Ikea. Where are you, haha?”
D: “I think I took the wrong freeway”
TM: “What freeway did you take?”
D: “How the f*ck am I suppose to know?”
TM: “If you don’t know what freeway you took, I can’t tell you if is the right one.”
D: “I think that I’m going towards Oakland, is that wrong? WHAT THE FUCK SHOULD I DO!?!?!”
TM: “Get off the freeway. Once you are off go back and take the right freeway and exit.”
I get off the freeway and start to cry because I couldn’t find a place to do a U-turn…and even though it is only 10am I’m in the GETTO and I fear for my life. It is nasty and I just got flipped off by this big black man that could kill me, even if he was hog tied and blindfolded
D(tearfully): “how could you let this happen to me? How did you not see that you lost me. You guys are so selfish, did you not look in you rearview mirror to see if I was still there…”
TM (He cuts me off): “We honestly thought you saw us get over.”
D: “WELL I FUCKING DIDN’T. FUCK, I STILL CAN’T FUCKING FIND MY WAY BACK TO THE FUCKING FREEWAY!”
TM: “Babe, what do you want me to do about it?”
D: “I WANT YOU GET OFF THE FREEWAY AND FIND ME!!! SO I CAN FOLLOW YOU!” (I almost thought that it was a normal request. Sara informed me that if she had said that to Zak that he would of yelled at her. I knew i was a bit off base asking for him to get off the freeway and find me.)
TM: “Do you know where you are yet, so I can find you?”
(I hear him tell Zak calmly that they have to get off the freeway to find us. I start to melt…but I’m still to pisses to stop yelling.)
D: “NO I DON’T KNOW WHERE I’M AT YOU HAVEN’T TOLD ME WERE I’M AT. ARE YOU GOING TO GET ME OR NOT?!?!”
TM: “I don’t know where you are.”
D: “FINE”
And I hung up on him.

I got back on the free way and found my way back to Ikea. I called The Man to tell him when I was in the parking lot and to apologize for being irrational. I mean, who says stuff like “I want you get off the freeway and find me”? just one more reason that The man must be a saint to put up with me and my crap.

Oh Where, Oh Where Has Dragon Been?

2005-05-06T13:43:00.000-07:00

I’m back! Tax season is over and I survived. (Yeah!) I knew that it would get busy, but I didn’t realize just how crazy it was going to get at work. I would often us one of our “I survived tax season” mugs to remind me that I would get through it. Some days I would get to work with a huge stack of stuff and after a full day of work the stack seemed to get higher. But it is all done now…I can breath again at work! YEAH TAX SEASON BEING OVER!!!

Did I tell you that I cut my hair? And I mean CUT. SHORT. So short I haven’t seen a pony-tail in months. I love it, but I feel that I can do more with longer hair so I’m growing back out. I can almost put it behind my ears…and it ALMOST stays. It will get there

I’m dropping out of school and going to cosmetology school. Have to take care of a few things before I can enroll so while I’m doing that I’m going to get my Yoga teaching certificate. I have the best teacher in the world. I can’t wait to start!

I moved. I’m still in boxes, but The Man and I have a cute town hose together. We LOVE it. It has been so fun “playing house” (I know that this a Reference that only the Man can real get just how mean I’m being. Sorry, I couldn’t resist!!!) We are going to go to ikea on Saturday to pick out our very first couch. I love that every day it feels like we get a new first. And I make us celebrate it all. He is so good he has even been making the bed EVERYDAY! I’ll post pics once we are unpacked and the place is picture worthy.

I know that there is more that I need to catch you up on…the random things that only seem to happen to me…but this is all the big stuff in no order of importance.

I’M BACK!!!

(until next tax season)

Praise to The Man

2005-01-04T18:19:00.000-08:00

I have had my computer up and running for a few days….and well….I haven’t bloged because I have been playing with it. I was told that I HAD to do a new years/new computer post. The Man told me “I want to see worshiping of me and my brain.” I’m complying because I think that he is a genius. I often like to announce to him that I am dating a genius…him.

And so I have made this (late) new years post all HIS.

Top 5 reasons why I worship The Man:

1. He built me a computer. And not only that he let me do the work…it made me feel smart when he would let me screw things in and then at the end announce, “YOU JUST INSTALLED YOUR FIRST HARD DRIVE!!! YOU ARE A COMPUTER GENIUES!” And even though I know that he was just stroking my ego…it still made me all warm a fuzzy inside.
2. When I have had a bad day he will curl up and watch MULTIPLE episodes of Sex and the City. He also understands when I freak out over one of the characters doing something.
3. He is so cute when he is tiered. I know that I should just let him sleep, but when someone looks as cute as him…I can help but bug him till he wakes up. I wake him up so I can tell him just how cute and how much I love him when he is half asleep.
4. He so understands that I need to go into “Girl Mode”. He knows that sometime a girl needs a few hours just to pamper her.
5. The biggest one on this list is the fact that puts up with me when I’m on my period. Since I have been on birth control, my PMS has been out of control. Example: I left his house and decided to walk home because I walked into his room and he was on the Internet. It’s not like he was involved with anything bad…there was no cybering going on…nope…he was just on line. After I left in huff he followed me. When he pulled beside me in the car I refused to get in. finally when he insisted that he drive me home, I got in the car and BAWLED the whole why there! Yes he puts up with this EVERY MONTH. I think that he is a saint for not killing anything during the weeks of my dreaded period!

The list could go on and on…. but The Man has told me that here are some sacred things that can’t go up on the blog.

It's all in the Family

2005-01-04T16:50:00.000-08:00

I try not to talk too much about work on this site for fear of being dooced.But I have to say I LOVE MY JOB!

I recently lost the love of my life, Luv. Luv and I had been involved in a very intense relationship for over three years. I LOVED him. He was my everything. Now that he is gone I wish that I had taken better care of him...given him more hugs...told him I love him more. To better clarify the relationship I should start from the beginning. It was a cool Saturday morning in November. And my brother and I piled in his 1983 240gl diesel Volvo, to meet a man Pete. Pete was selling a 1842 240gl Volvo sedan. I met Pete and the car (Luv). It was met to be...I was going to buy the car of my dreams, the car that I was meant to drive. Luv was fully loaded (for a 1982 Volvo.) Power windows. Power locks. Cruse control. A sunroof. I mean the works. He was a beauty. And that morning when I asked that car if he wanted to be a part of my family...he said YES! Part of the reason we fell in love so fast was because he didn't reject me, that and the fact that I was walking everywhere. We had good times! When I felt like the world was going to cave in a devour me, all I needed was a long drive with Luv and everything was fine.

"He was my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last for ever; I was wrong."
-W. H. Auden

That encapsulates how I feel about Luv. He recently retired as a working automobile.

Do to the fact that I no longer have Luv and that I haven't found a replacement...I have been walking. Today I had a nice stroll to go get lunch and as I was knitting and eating, I got a call. It was my boss offering to pick me up. There was a fight across the street and he didn't want me to have to walk by the cops and hooligans. I told him that I didn't need a ride I would just walk on the other side of the road. When I returned to the office I thanked him for his concern. He gave me a hug and told me that weather I liked it or not that I was family now.

I like being family!

(ps. pictures coming of Luv soon.)

4 GIGS!!

2004-12-28T15:30:00.000-08:00

So we all know that when it comes to being one the front line of technology I am a few miles off. I have yet to update my OLD computer till now. (thank you The Man for this upgrade!) It started off as a little upgrade. Then The man just how old the computer is. We thought that we could just get some more ram and a new processor and be on our way.

Wrong!!

A little over a week ago he went to fix the broken computer that had been sitting in my garage for about a year. He plugged it all in…and turned it on. Now I hadn’t been able to turn it on for six months before I put it in garage! But once HE touches the beast of a computer it just smiles and lights up. (As you can tell I’m not bitter! I hate that computer, TRADER!) Turns out that the problem had something to do with safe mode…I have no idea. Once he started talking about the computer and how it works I stopped listening and started noticing how HOT he was at that exact moment. I can’t help but think that the smarter and nerdier the guy the hotter he is also.

He tells me what we have to do to get the computer up to standers. After looking at it more, turns out that I’m going to need a new motherboard…. and ram…and processor…and hard drive…(my hard drive is only 4 gigs.)

We go shopping and after The Man explains how sad my 4 gigs are I think that it is the funniest thing in the world. As we are walking in FRY’s I keep on saying loudly I just got a new computer with 4 GIGS!!! Yeah that is RIGHT 4 GIGS!!! The Man is so embarrassed because he doesn’t want the “cool nerds” to know that his girlfriend only had 4 gigs.

So we get the motherboard…. and ram…and processor…and hard drive. Get home and realize that we over looked the video card (Thank you Dad and UGLIEST sweater!)…and the motherboard SHOULD have fit my old case but didn’t so we have to go back to FRY’s. We go, and again I go on and on and on about my 4 GIGS!

So it turns out the LITTLE upgrade is a build. (not even a rebuild) The only thing that is being used from the old computer is the DVD drive.

I don’t know what I’m going to do with ALL my GIGS!!!!!

All I want for chrismas is my two frount teeth.

2004-12-28T08:53:00.000-08:00

Each year as Christmas tradition my dad gives us sweaters from REI. Each year we open our gift to the surprise of the UGLIEST sweater ever. Each year we are convinced that it can’t get any worse and each year it does. Upon opening the gift we have to come up with something nice to say it…. “Wow! This sweater is SO SOFT!” But we are thinking “Holy crap!!! This is the UGLIEST sweater of ALL time. I thought that I got the ugliest sweater last year…But no this year you out did yourself!”

Because of dad tradition we have made a new one, which is the after Christmas REI return. (Thank God that have an easy return policy!) Well do to the fact that this has been going on for YEARS…I now have my dad’s customer number. That way even if I don’t have a receipt…it acts like I do. So I go through the posses and I get to the point where they ask do you want store credit or CASH? And so I ask how much it is. (SIDE NOTE: Now if I were going to find the UGLIEST sweater in the world, I would hope it was on super-duper sale. I would not pay FULL PRICE! Oh but thank you dad for being willing to spend $70 on the worst looking article of clothing EVER!) And since it was that much it put my bank account in the next bracket…the bracket where I can afford my new video-card.

I am the happiest girl in the world! My computer is almost rebuilt and I no longer have the UGLIEST sweater in the world!!!

Why did I sleep in on Christmas?

2004-12-27T10:57:00.000-08:00

I had tentative plans to go over to the man’s for Christmas morning. We would spend a few early hours over there before we headed back to my house for Christmas lunch and festivities. Then in the evening we would go over to his grandparents for dinner.

WRONG!

Now, I have to fill you in on why I haven’t posted about thanksgiving. I’m STILL trying to find a nice way to present his family. They don’t like me! WHY? I HAVE NO IDEA…I try to be pleasant when I am around them, but they are set in their ways. Their way just happens to be the work-aholic that is unhappy and LOVES to complain. So for them to be the first people I see Christmas morning is saying buckets full of how I feel about The Man. (Man I have to love him lots to put up will being hated by those who I may spend part of the rest of my life with)

The Man, dutifully, finalizes plans with his mom.

The Man: So we coming over for Christmas morning?
Mom: WHAT!?! Who is WE?
Man: You know my girlfriend, Dragon and me.
PAUSE
Man: You know Dragon…we have been dating for a while…I bring her around all the time…we have known each other since fourth grade…
Mom: (glazed look continues.)
Man: …She is part of the reason I’m not here as much…any of this ringing a bell?
Mom: Why would dragon come for Christmas?
Man: Because she is my girlfriend… and I want to spend the holidays with her.
Mom: (snarls) You can spend AN HOUR apart!
Man: (thinks…it is not worth the effort…I should just let dragon sleep in.)

So Christmas morning The Man left for his mom’s opened gifts…we spent the majority of the day with my family. Then we went to his big family gathering. WE had dinner there and skipped out before dessert. Later that night The Man told me, “I think this was the best Christmas ever, because it was the first with you!” and I think that I agree.

Merry (late) Christmas!!

Sweet 1,000

2004-12-23T11:46:00.000-08:00

I had this thought that once my blog got A THOUSAND hits that the world would change. Much like when you turn sixteen and have the fantasy that there would be a new Volvo parked out front in the driveway on your birthday. (I think I was the only 16 year old who lusted after Volvos…I am so going to make a kick ass soccer mom…With the VOLVO WAGON!) I thought that once I got the 1,000 hit mark that I would get phone calls telling me what a wonderful site I had…and how successful it is. I would also get on time magazine list of top 10 websites of 2004.

REALITY SETS IN.

I don’t have a running Volvo in the driveway. (Luv is retired…I will fill you in later…different post.) I also haven’t gotten any phone calls telling me what a wonderful site I have and how it should be published EVERYWHERE. What I do have is a poorly updated blog. And I am perfectly happy with that! :)

Thank you for getting me to the big 1,000. It has taken a while to get here…but I have enjoyed the ride.

CRAZY

2004-12-09T16:21:00.000-08:00

I don’t know how it happens but crazy people find me…remember the BOOZE lady? Well since I get this a lot I figure that I should share. So now I have a crazy section on this blog…

I got a phone call today at work….

Dragon: good morning…(the thing that I say when I answer the phone here at work)…. This is Dragon! (The Exclamation point is to show just how happy and up beat I sounded!)
Man: (in the creepiest-perverted-used-car-salesman/porn-star-kind of whisper) hello sweetie
D: Hi, Can I help you?
M: Can you whisper??
D: Excuse me what? (Still nice)
M: Whisper…Please…
D: (a little softer still lost) O.K., Can I help you?
M: I’m watching a movie…Do you want to hear?
I hear morning and screaming in the background (and my stomach goes into a knot)
D: NO! (loud) I don’t want to hear…(Should of hung up then.)… ARE YOU LOOKING FOR SOME ONE?!?
M: I said WHISPER!! Are you busy?
D: YES! (anger level rising.) CAN I HELP YOU?
M: what are you wearing?
D: SWEATS…I THINK YOU HAVE THE WRONG NUMBER AND THE WRONG GIRL!!!!

Then I hung up.

Man, I feel guilty

2004-12-09T16:19:00.000-08:00

Instead of going a grabbing a new napkin…I picked up my old one to wipe of my chin.

***I should add that I had already thrown the old one away. How low am I that I reach in the TRASH to get an old napkin?? Can we say desperate??

Thank You

2004-12-01T16:25:00.000-08:00

I haven't yet written about the Thanksgiving happenings. (I am still
trying to digest The Man's family dynamics.) We had dinner over at his grandparent's home.

There was no turkey, no mashed potatoes, on yams, no warm holiday hugs,and NO PIE!!! We didn't go around the table and say what we where grateful for. Think of something that you think is traditionalThanksgiving...and we didn't do it.

There was however a contest to see who was the bigger/toughest man andhad the biggest penis. (not literally....SICK-O!)

Well when I have more time to write the happening properly I willl.....Stay Tuned.

We could all use a little change.

2004-11-29T11:53:00.000-08:00

When you go to San Francisco you expect to be panhandled. But when you go to lunch at Noah’s Beagles you don’t. I had just order my lunch w/ the IBC Root-beer bottle. When I thought while I wait for them to toast my beagle I would make a phone call. I walk outside (I don’t want to be rude!) I get on my phone. (one ringie-dingie…two ringie-dingie…) this woman walks up to me (while I’m standing there on the phone!!!)
Woman: BOOZE!?!
Me: No it’s root beer
Woman: In a bottle?!?! (as if she had never see such a thing. The glass was being wasted on root beer when the glorious BOOZE could have been stored in it.)
ME: YES! ROOT BEER. (I said it a bit rude but after all I was waiting to talk to The Man…. Four Ringie-Dingie…)
I get sent to voice mail…so I start leaving the message.
The woman remained in my personal space. I tried to step aside to get a way and she stepped aside also, IN MY DIRECTION!!
To my agony I finish my message.
Woman: Do you have any change????
Me: Nope! Sorry. (I don’t know why I said sorry, because I wasn’t.)
Woman: Then do you have any BOOZE???
Me: (almost angry) NO!!!…(I walk inside)

don't change your plans

2004-11-03T16:26:00.000-08:00

sometimes i get the feeling
that i won't be on this planet
for very long
i really like it here
i'm quite attached to it
i hope i'm wrong

all i really wanna say
is you're the reason i wanna stay
i loved you before i met you
and i met you just in time
'cause there was nothing left

i sat here on my suitcase
in our empty new apartment
until the sun went down
then i walked back down the stairs
with all my bags and drove away
you must be freaking out

all i know is i've gotta be
where my heart says i oughta be
it often makes no sense
in fact,
i never understand these things i feel

don't change your plans for me
i won't move to LA
the leaves are falling back east
that's where i'm gonna stay

you have made me smile again
in fact, i might be sore from it
it's been a while
i know we've been together many times before
i'll see you on the other side
but don't change your plans for me
i won't move to LA
the leaves are falling back east
that's where i'm going to stay

all i really wanna say
is you're the reason i wanna stay
but destiny is calling and won't hold
and when my time is up i'm outta here
(note: please add a space here)
all i know is i've gotta be
where my heart says i oughta be
it often makes no sense, in fact
i never understand these things,
i feel

i love you, goodbye
i love you, goodbye...

roommate wanted

2004-11-01T16:46:00.000-08:00

So I am in a search for a roommate. I won’t be moving till January do to travel and holidays, bah-hum-bug! I’m looking for a religious person who will understand where I’m coming from and on my same level. Please help!

In search of Mormon roommate. (kinda) Would like an open-minded roommate. One who would not care if there were booze in the house and immoral acts would be done in my bed. One who would understand that I will have overnight visitors of the opposite sex. Yet one that is still Mormon enough to have religious conversations. I don’t have a preference on male or female. In return I will be understanding (and maybe encourage) all of your sins. Please comment if you want to be my roommate or have any suggestions on where I can find my perfect roommate match.

drunk sayings

2004-11-01T16:36:00.000-08:00

Me: “I know I’m not when I’m drunk, but I’m trying hard to be sexy!”
Terry: no answer…
I stumble away.
In this case I think silence does mean yes, I’m not sexy when drunk.

It might be time for the professionals!

2004-10-29T16:50:00.000-07:00

I have secrets that I don’t tell any one. I think I can’t. I feel that if I do them when no one else is around then they don’t matter. I am fighting the urge to be destructive. Sorry to those that I’m closet to I don’t mean to hurt you, I just don’t know how not to. I feel like I am too demanding and can’t help but wonder if I act this way because I want my way. I feel like I am acting like I want to be closer but in reality I am pushing you away.

I know that I am a person that has a hard time holding back emotionally. If I really trust you or love you I let you have everything. I give ALL of myself to you. Then when I realize that you don’t want or can’t handle dragon-unplugged I push you away to save face and heartache.

Why have I been crying lately? I blame the birth control! It can’t all be that! How is it that I can be surrounded by masses of lovely people and still feel like I walk alone. I have recently expressed that I have been struggling with religion and spirituality. How is it that a light and spirit I feel that I have had forever can go out so quickly? I look up and see nothing. I wish I could get it back. The hardest part is that I know to re-find that light I need to make sacrifices. Why am I not able to sacrifice for the grater good? Why do I feel like I deserve to be wounded for petty sins? I wish that I still knew that there was a god. I know that people are influenced by the way that they are raised. I just wish I could cut some of it out and be happy with what I have. How unfulfilling it is to strive for perfecting and fuck up every time. I wish I didn’t feel so lost. I feel like the world is crumbling around me, I am trying to hold it up and suffocating in the process. I know that I need some one to talk to…I just don’t trust anyone with the details…it might be time for professional help!

I have enough guilt to start my own religion

2004-10-06T16:16:00.000-07:00

There are some things that are personal and therefore don't get mentioned much on this blog. But i now feel i must be forthcoming. I am rather religious. I go to church on Sundays, I pray, read my scriptures, I LOVE it. Last February something happened that made me question my faith and me as a person. I wondered how some one as "righteous" (self-righteous is more like it) as me could fall so far and so fast. I thought that my world would cave in and that I would be lost forever. At that time I pulled away from those I knew in my congregation, I avoided church meetings, and leaders. I thought that if I came too close that people would be able to see threw me, straight to my sins. I looked for comfort in the world, I couldn't find it there either. The guilt still lingers.

This sin as remained with me and will for a while. I can't seem to give it up. It had made me revaluate my whole world. For a while I couldn't even pray...my mind was full of thought that confirmed that God hated me for what I do. Now things are different.

At some point religion makes every one who believes in it a hypocrite. We all sin, and the fact that we think sin is wrong makes us one. I use to think that those who broke the laws of their religion were bad, and must not have any understanding of religion at all. How could one chose to offended God? Time gave me insight. I have come to think of religion as a 'blanket statement' it is good to fallow, and always the RIGHT thing to do. But for some situations life’s path is not straight and a sinful curve is needed to gain the eternal results. If I could go back and never have taken the detour of would of, but I must in brace the curve ball that I have been thrown.

I get to go and meet with a leader of my church this Sunday. I'm sure that my sins will be brought up; I’m fine with that I have accepted what I am doing and the consequences that it may bring. Pray to give me strength. On the up side, The Man said that he would come to church with me.

Go on take the money and run

2004-09-30T14:12:00.000-07:00

To day was a sibling lunch. It went like most sibling lunches go. Bro. Picks the spot…we all get together…lots of hug…(and kisses)…and we eat LOTS. Well today had a little spin. I ad brought my leftovers for lunch. So when Sis. called me to see if I wanted to come, I told her that I had NO money, and that I brought my lunch. She replied that I should come anyways and eat my lunch there. I accepted the invite. I didn’t imagine awkwardness that would follow.

I walk in carrying my white styrofoam box of leafovers. I try to hide the box. It would be one thing if we where at a place that weren’t a sit down restraint that had table cloths and menus and their OWN take home styrofoam boxes. But no we were at on of our favorite spots. I find the fam. I sit down…Both Bro. and Sis. question why I have the box. I REMIND them that I had brought my lunch and have NO money. They both looked puzzle and take my lunch. The shove it on the seat of the booth and arrange to buy my lunch…we eat…whatever…The check comes. My Sis gives them a card. Ten, minutes later the guy comes back and said that there was a hold on the card and that the card was reported stolen. Sis freaks out, and remembers that she had lost her wallet the other day and so she put all her cards on hold. She had stolen her own card! It was so strange and just think of the poor server who had to tell us that we were using a stolen card.

2004-09-30T10:43:00.000-07:00

Haloscan commenting and trackback have been added to this blog.

The Sound of a Toilet

2004-09-28T13:40:00.000-07:00

Sorry I haven’t posted in a while. I have no real excuse. Thank you to Sarah who kicked my but at lunch and told me to post.

On late Friday night, early Saturday morning, I was in bed. The man and I had already gone through the good night routine and were ready for the sleep part of the night. It was three in the morning. I heard something…. Sounded like water…maybe the shower…(BACK-STORY: my toilet had been funky and running over time. It is like it kept filling, not over flowing just kept running. We had jerry-rigged it so it would stop by placing a knife in it.) OH NO…Fuck…Shit…Mother Fucker…. Holly shit it is the toilet…I start climbing over the man. The man has no need for a KNEE in his back. But I was in a hurry to get to the bathroom and fix the problem. Standing there naked I open the door HAAAAA! I get hit with flying water. When standing naked and flying water is coming out of the toilet…all a normal person can think is fuck the feminist movement. There is a man in my bed he should take care of this. HELP I CAN’T SHUT IT OFF!! HAAA! THE MAN, COME HELP I CAN’T SHUT IT OFF!!!!! (Never mind that I didn’t try to shut it off. I felt the cold water hit my stomach and heard the toilet making the CH-CH-CH-CH Ch-Ch-Ch CH-CH-CH-CH noise of a sprinkler I know that I was not going in there till the water shut off.) The man, also naked, (I note of the nakedness because it is gross enough to have cold toilet water hitting you and you close…but the nasty level is raised when you relies that the toilet water is hitting you directly all of you…YES! Even in the junk.) With his strong man ways stops the water. Now that the toilet-sprinkler was fixed it was time to survey the damage and find a way to dry it all off. OH SHIT! MY MAKE-UP! Now I had ALL of my make up on the counter because I hadn’t put away. HELP! Never mind that there is water damage…all of my precious powdered make-up is sitting in water. The man franticly tries to dry the celine that is dripping on to us…But not me I am on a mission to save the beauty product…I soul focus on that I don’t notice the electronics on the counter, I forget the fact that I was standing in water…Nothing matter. I wondered if that is what if feel like when someone finds out the purpose of life. Good news the make up was saved, the bathroom has minimal damage, and the toilet is savable.

Life is a War

2004-08-26T13:56:00.000-07:00

I saw the writing on the wall (really, it was graffiti) and it said “Life is a was, and we are the soldiers.” It made mw think what we are fighting for. The same day I saw more writing on a different wall, “remember the magic.” I don’t claim to know what they mean. They made me think…what magic am I fighting for. What in life is worth the fight? With the start of a new semester I am blessed with time to reprioritize. In looking at my life I see what I want to fight for is sometimes different from what I fight for. It is exciting as I am taking the opportunity to a line the two. I found that the magic I want and am fighting most for is the magic of self-knowledge. I am slowly finding that the more I know of myself the better equipped I am to make positive decisions for me.

What do you fight for as a soldier?

my poor unused bolg

2004-08-23T09:39:00.000-07:00

Anyone who knows me I get in these FUNKY stages. Not that anything is wrong…but more I can’t seem to see what is right. So for the past few months I have wanted something that the world is not ready to hand me. I have craved this happening; I have planned for it all I need is to wait for it to fall into plan. WRONG. I was so wrapped up in what I couldn’t have but wanted, that I almost gave up a treasure. I was blinded by it, that I could no longer see the beauty.

So Friday while taking a bath, I feel asleep and had the worst dream of my life. I dreamt that the man and I broke up. That I had come home from a long day, to find him cooking me dinner. Seeing this I for no reason left him. I began to cry and he went home (to his home). Seeing that he was gone, I jumped into my car to chase after him. When I woke up he was just walking threw the door to come home and go to bed. I am so glad that it was just a dram…. and it helped me to see the beauty in my reality.

Yesterday was a big day; it was the Sacramento temple ground breaking. The man came with me. I was so excited that he was accompanying me to a church function. It felt so right to be sitting next to him.

P.S. So the man’s birthday was great. I took him to sushi and to get a birthday cake and to a movie. The friend’s party was fun. And things worked out, just like they always do.

It's his party and I'll cry if i want to

2004-07-20T12:05:00.000-07:00

I cried last night. Lying on the pillow that has now become soaking from tears. The light struck the man and all I could do was absorbed his anguish. Shared moments of fully clothed intimacy is were relationships are strengthened. The overwhelm of other's emotions is were love is realized. When hurt or joy, happiness or sadness, love or hate, entertainment, desire or unwanted-ness stems from true love of another person, when the feeling you feel are not your own but true sympathy/empathy for the one you love.....you have reached the small point of charity.

In church settings the word "charity" is thrown around. But in the small moment where it is not counterfeit, we realize that we are "natural men" and that charity is rare. How selfish are we? How many thoughts or actions a day stem from honest love and concern of others....or is it surface concern, with our interest funding said thought/action?

How do we over come this selfish and self-centered (to completely different things) to be more available to love others?

ps. my trip to Portland, or was wonderful. We spent most of the time at the track. It was so nice to see my dad and have him spend more time with the man. Plus it is always nice to get out of town for a few days.

I am trying to do all the things I have set out to do on the last entry...baby steps and I’m getting better.

The man's birthday is sat. I just found out that we have a surprise party to go to for his friend that is leaving the country.....so my plans went out of the window. I can't change the reservations; at least I get my money back. Any ideas on last minute plans? It kind of sucks, because we can't do anything Friday night, Saturday is now taken, which only leaves Sunday night after church (for me) and work (for him)....and we have work on Monday. oh well there is always next year. I just wanted to set a high standard for his birthdays.... part of the reason I hate birthdays is because mine never feels like it is remembered, and I refuse to be the one cooking and planning my birthday dinner. I just want him to feel like I remembered, put thought into it, and carried it out.

I can't help it it's in my genes

2004-07-14T15:10:00.000-07:00

and you thought i was just bord...

I want it all

2004-07-09T16:17:00.000-07:00

I love that after the storm come the sun. I love it in life when we get these doors of inspiration...I can change. This odd feeling of wanting to do more, be better, evolve into the wonderful person that you know is just busting to get out. I have been thinking of all the new years resolutions that I broke, and I want to change that. I want to be the person I am too lazy to be. I want to wake up happy to be alive and go to bed knowing that my day was full and worth wile. This revelation came to me as I was reading Dr. Phil's life laws.

I want to start my post pre-diet diet.
I want to get over my fear of success.
I want to start Reading my scriptures daily.
I want to dust my room.
I want to work out.
I want to be slower to anger.
I want to be fast to see the light, and joy in life.
I want to create more.
I want to save more money.
I want to show my appreciation more.
I want to go on more bike rides.
I want to see more sunrises.
I want to start investing.
I want to take better care of my car.
I want to keep my room cleaner.
I want to tell those that I love that I love them more.
I want to take less for granite.
I want to happily pay my tithing.
I want to get married in the temple.
I want to thank terry every day for being my best friend.
I want to sing louder in the showers, take longer baths, say hello to strangers, smile more, smell more flowers, go for walks at lunch, read more, laugh more, study more, get more A's, talk to my dad more, spend my money better, get more shoes, make my bed, clean the fridge, go to the ocean, go on more hikes, see my brother more, play more games, call people just to say, "I think that you are wonderful and I was thinking of you!"
I want to be a better person!
The best part about that is I have the power to change, I have the power to change completely. I can and will become the person I want to be. I think that the momentum can't stop...or it dies and nothing got done. I don't have the exact plan of action for all of my goals, but I know where to start looking.

I am a walking disaster

2004-07-09T10:06:00.000-07:00

You know you have PMS when you...try on everything in your closet, you think you look FAT and break down crying.

You know you have PMS when you...are driving to work, get cut-off and break down crying

You know you have PMS when you... are doing our daily blog reading at work and you break down crying.

Are you seeing a pattern? Well I have never been one to over PMS, or recognize it, or admit to it. Since I have started this new medication, I cry for a week strait once a month. I see a cute puppy, I cry. I stub my toe, I cry. I do anything that harbors any emotions, I cry. I do something that provokes no emotion, I cry because I feel like I should be feeling something. And in the circumstances that in the past called for teas, now I sob. I can't wait for Sunday this cry-fest should be over by then. (And I will have lost 5lb. in water weight through my eyes!)

Not only do I cry, but also I seem to have my out-of-proportion-glasses on, and rarely try on my reasonable-critical-thinking-reasoning-logical-glasses. Last post really proved that, don't you think? Funny, how hormones can screw you up.

Not only do I cry, and blow everything out of proportion, but I also have been on the pre-diet diet. (You know what I mean you tell your self, "I already look like a whale so this extra fill-in the blank high calorie food won't hurt, PLUS I’m going to start a diet so I will NEVER-EVER be able to eat like this again, so I better enjoy it while I can!" Enjoy it while I can means, that instead of eating a normal amount.... you eat the whole box...then when you see that the box is empty you lick the wrapper, to make sure you got every un-needed said filling the blank high calorie food.) Well, the pre-diet diet I have been on, has been very unsuccessful....It has yet to lead me to the post pre-diet diet.

So I am a walking tear fountain, who is overly emotional, who blow everything out of proportion, and is blowing up like a balloon.... watch out world it is that time of the moth and I am a walking disaster!

If looks could kill....i would be dead....

2004-07-08T13:54:00.000-07:00

I saw Napoleon Dinamite last night. Ha Ha ha HA ha Ha.... it was so funny! I wish that I could explain the joy that comes from one admitting, "My lips hurt real bad."

To day is the man and mine anniversary. You know what that means; I am currently in the longest relationship of my life. (We only have a year and six or seven months till the man will be in his longest.) I probably shouldn't note that, but I think about bout it. Why does the past bother us? I know that the former princess will never reclaim her thrown, but the fact that she ruled for six-times my current term, somehow makes me feel inadequate. How do I get over this? (This is NOT a rhetorical question: I need help how do I overlook the princess of his past?)

I have only seen her once since we have been dating... We went to a mutual friend birthday party...she was all gussied-up. Her pouty lips were dark, and pouty as everything. Her long dark hair had a light wave to it, almost to the curly side. She wore a white button down 3/4 sleeve shirt and jeans with black boots....i remember it all....BITCH radiated from her. The death look cut me to the core. No doubt she didn't approve of me...it was obvious. The awkwardness between us was apparent, we never spoke, and only cruel looks were exchanged.

This meeting seems typical; meeting the new girlfriend of your ex-boyfriend who you still love never goes smoothly. Yet her disapproval stayed with me...she KNOWS terry! She had years to understand him and really see him, to know things that only time can show about a person, to feel the comfort of him. The fact that I know she hates me and disapproves of me hurts me. Does she know something I don't know...is the reason that I’m so distasteful to her because she knows something that only one who has been with that person substantially can know, or out of principal that he was hers before be was mine.

I know that this is something that I probably should have come across before, but all of the previous guys in my life I was there first girlfriend. Although compared to the man, they don't even seem like boyfriends. My relationship now is at such a different level; it feels like my first everything.

I had a vision....kinda

2004-07-06T13:47:00.000-07:00

I understand why Native Americans use to send people on vision quests. At this point in my life where i am making big decisions and considering life altering ones.....I wish that those around me would be understanding if I took a vacation to clear my mind and ponder my porpoise in life.

Over the weekend i went to Fort Bragg. I had my own mini-vision quest. I left with my mind spinning. My problem is I know what I want, but right now getting it is out of my control. All I can do is plant seeds and hope that they grow...I have planted seeds...and I am praying with all of my heart that seeds will grow and all will be good.

No, I did not receive a grate vision. I did reprioritize thing. And I have found new meaning in my life. I know the meaning of love it is found in all of my relationships. I know that answers to my questions will not come tomorrow (although I would love it if it did.) But I am slowly seeing clarity...I know that I will learn from this experience....I already am learning.

AOL Sucks

2004-06-28T16:21:00.000-07:00

Happy first day of work!

I had the best dream last night... That I lived happily ever after.
then I woke up to the most beautiful site... The man. (I'm sorry that I have become so lovey-dovey)

Well I hate AOL...I used there service till we got DSL...Then I just used their email...Till that started acting up on me...So I called and wrote the bank to insure that I would no longer be charred for AOL service that I don't use. Today I looked at my bank statement and guess what there is a charge from f*ing AOL....haaaaaaa I think I'm going to rip my hair out! How do I stop them from charging me? If you have any answers let me know...My check book depends on you.

2004-06-23T16:21:00.000-07:00

I love my Gmail.

The Man

2004-06-23T10:35:00.000-07:00

Did I mention how much I love the man? We were along for a week and it was full. We were over loaded on school, he had racing...of course I came to watch, we both had work, and got no sleep. Consequence of being sleep deprived and overly busy, is be were both a little cranky and sensitive.

Mom cam home Tue. so the plan was to clean up Mon. night and have things perfect on Tue.....didn't go as planed. Mon. we got some needed sleep; I mean we went to bed at 7ish. So Tue. I tried to get up early and I slept in a bit longer then I should have. I got up cleaned and picked up what I could....I didn't have time to conquer the huge pile of dishes we had been ignoring.

The man raised the bar. He did the dishes that took him and hour to do. To make things sweeter....he brought me my lunch that I had forgotten my rush.

Dear Man,
I want you to know how much I love you. I have grown by having you in my life. You have changed me; I am a better and stronger person because I know you. I have changed priorities and find my selfish nature being replaced with a desire to compromise for the common good.
I love you,
Dragon

I'm no "Slim-Jim"

2004-06-21T14:58:00.000-07:00

I have had the worst case of PMS...everything that anyone says I want to tare their face off and rip them a new one. To make thing worse I have had those around me be inconsiderate.

I think that having a bond with someone gives you the cushion to be more strait forward. The close friend/family member has less opportunity to hurt you feelings, because there is a foundation to the relationship. I believe that those who we are not as close to can cut us deeper because the lack of history and familiarity. Recently, someone that is in my life confronted me, and I desperately want him or her to approve of me. What do you do when all social grasses are lost and the attack is on you?.... you can loose your cool...or even confront the situation because in their eyes you are completely inferior. I don’t know why it shook me and hurt me the way it did, but I feel that I lost a peace of my self at that terrible moment. I need to re-center to find the me that is missing.

If only I did my homework

2004-06-18T14:56:00.000-07:00

I have been looking at scholarships and boy-o-boy who make up these things....is it cruel parents that can't help their kids with math homework. "Honey, you could be successful and getting into a good college by working hard, doing your home work, and kissing-ass to your teachers.....or.....you can pick up the new hobbies of duck calling and get a scholarship!"
My favorite the duct tape prom scholarship...."Janie I have liked you all of high school....that is why we have been in all the same classes. Every semester I changed my classes to be with you. Well...you know that prom is in two weeks and i would love to take you....the catch is.....I need to go to college.....so I have decided to apply for the duct tape scholarship. All we have to do is go and have our hole outfits made out of duct tape.
"NO....you won't go with me?!?! Why not???"

They also have short and tall scholarships....ones for girls living on compose with out a car....knitting.....if you grew up in the town of town name I now can't remember.....

So I have come to the conclusion that if I can't make it on my grades alone....I will rely on my height, eye color, overweight-ness, and my talent for sleeping, picking my nose, singing loudly off key, burping at un-called for moments, and the fact that I am .25% Dutch.....I know that there is a scholarship out there for that.

dooce

2004-06-16T15:22:00.000-07:00

dooce

It has been a long time

2004-05-16T15:01:00.000-07:00

You know that it has been too long, when you sign into blogger and there is a whole new layout.

what is new? I have been having cell phone issues. Not too long ago I lost my phone, it was conveyance's by a bum, who was very reluctant to give it back. The man called the guy and was able to get it for me. (he is my hero) ever since then I have been getting these radium calls from his P.O. I don't know what to do, so today I thought about calling the officer....but then what do I say? Hey um you have the wrong chick. Oops! Some how that doesn't seem fitting.

things with me and the man are wonderful. Last night we had a moment, nothing big, no fighting, no yelling...just a moment where you realize that it doesn't matter if you live someone and they love you back and you are so blessed to be in each others present...even with all that relationships are hard, they make you compromise. But I realized Last night that if I stop trying to fight to be right, I forget any uncomfortable thoughts and it doesn't seem like a compromise at all.

i found this blog and at the end of each post he left you with a song i liked the idea of that. so, thank you Gordie

Save me by Aimee Mann
You look like a perfect fit
For a girl in need of a tourniquet

But can you - save me
Come on and - save me
If you could - save me
From the ranks of the freaks
Who suspect they could never love anyone

'Cause I can tell
You know what it's like
The long farewell
Of the hunger strike

But can you save me
Come on and save me
If you could save me
From the ranks of the freaks
Who suspect they could never love anyone

You struck me down like radium
Like Peter Pan or Superman

You will come to save me
C'mon and save me
If you could save me
From the ranks of the freaks
Who suspect they could never love anyone
'Cept the freaks
Who suspect they could never love anyone
But the freaks
Who suspect they could never love anyone

C'mon and save me
Why don't you save me
If you could save me
From the ranks of the freaks
Who suspect they could never love anyone

Except the freaks
Who suspect they could never love anyone
Except the freaks who could never love anyone

Camping

2004-04-26T18:47:00.000-07:00

Wow, I never make time to blog any more...Sorry I'm a loser!

this weekend was so wonderful and a need break form the routine. The family went camping. The man and I went up on Thursday. Mom, sis., and bro. meet us up there on sat. It was nice to relax and just be with the people you love most...we played cards...laughed...layed on the beach...laughed...slept...didn't think of a worldly care. I'm so glad that I can share the man with the rest of my family. I always had this dream that the man I would end up w/ would fit into my family and be apart of the craziness...He fits that perfect. I am blessed to be with the man of my dreams

note to self: 2 people do not fit comfortably in 1 sleeping-bag.

2004-04-11T01:49:00.000-07:00

Do you ever not feel like yourself? Like somehow the stomach ache that you have has somehow gone farther and changed your outlook on life. I'm over at my friend's birthday party and all of a sudden I got a killer stomach ache, and all I could think was hey I want to pass out and find a place to sleep. In the search for a sleeping spot, I stumbled upon this computer and took the opportunity to post.

things with the man are wonderful. I feel so blessed to have him in my life. He gives me hope in the male race...Something that I thought that Mat had taken away forever. I see so many similarities between Mat and the man; it almost scares me. But where Mat feel short and was needing, the man comes through in flying colors. I wonder if we are all in a rebound relationship and if that is why we find insecurities and jealousy creeping through actions? I know that the man loves me, but for some reason I get concerned about previous princesses in his life. Is my rebounding from past life allowing my lower-self to shine through?

do we ever get over the past, is it still haunting us? As I have asked in the past, do we ever give up the ghost....New question...Do we search for meaning in new relationships to rid ourselves of past ghosts, from previous relationships? Most of these questions are freak out questions due to my feelings on contentment.....I think

Math

2004-03-31T16:52:00.000-08:00
I think that I may be going slowly crazy. The past few night all I have been dreaming of is math. I see numbers, and start solving for everything. Today I woke up and couldn't get the minors and cofactor out of my head. I don't know if anyone else ever has the problem where you brain is racing so fast that you can't really think till you get the thought that is racing out.

Show and Tell

2004-03-23T12:06:00.000-08:00
So the man and I are playing the show and tell game. I have to present him to the friends and family and "show" him off. I feel kinda bad because I am forced to drag out the process due to the fact that my friends aren't in one group like his. I can't wait for the time to catch up to the relationship so we can stop doing the "this is my life" crap.

The Weekend

2004-03-20T22:59:00.000-08:00
Wow. I feel like I have had such a long weekend. (don't get me wrong it was wonderful!!) I spent all weekend w/ the man It was great. Thurs. We just laid low and prepared for Fri. Then Fri. we went hung out in town just being geeks...I mean we went to Fry's and then to the park to play Frisbee. We met up w/ his friends and went to the jelly belly factory...Yes I got the cool hat and wore it w/ pride. We concluded w/ playing games with all the buds. Today we went to Six Flags, it was a blast. I think I had more fun this weekend then I have in a long time...It was needed....I start the real world again on Mon., I need to find a job.

The new kid on the block

2004-03-13T15:27:00.001-08:00
When life gets you down, someone is sent to send you to get you back into the swing of things. I know that with all the shitty boy drama, he may sound like just another name on the list...but he is so much more...I think I may be in trouble with this this one. Funny how better things are when relationships are built on mutual respect.

Change

2004-03-05T15:10:00.000-08:00
Does the world ever seem to change over night? My reality recently came crashing down... For the first time I took of my rose colored glasses and saw the world, as it can be. Some how the air seems fresher...and the sky bluer...I have never been so confused. I don't believe people change, we only change perception. In a way my perception of myself has changed, causing a wave of motion to cross my path. Some things are too personal to post...And sometimes it takes time before even the impersonal can be posted. Know I have not forgotten my blog, and I am still here.

dream

2004-02-12T16:32:00.000-08:00
Do you ever wake up and wonder is the person you were dreaming about was real or not? He was so real, but will he ever call...?

Counter

2004-02-10T19:45:00.000-08:00
I just got this counter. So come and visit my blog so the number goes up :)

Color

2004-02-09T16:24:00.000-08:00
I'm messing w/ my colors again. Sorry if the site is ugly for a bit.

Mac is still hot

2004-02-09T11:32:00.000-08:00
I got my test back from Bio. And I did ok, here is the problem I can't just do ok I have to do amazing. I really want to feel like I over came something to get my A in this class. I can and WON'T settle for another B in the class. I know this shouldn't be extra pressure, but it is...Mac told me if I get a B in his class then he will know I really suck!...I don't want that I need my A and I will do anything to get it....Yes JoyGirl even sleep w/ the teacher. :)

Interview

2004-02-05T15:17:00.000-08:00
1. Which cartoon character do you think you are most like?
I think I am most like Mulon. She thinks she is so tough, but she is simply a girl on the inside.

2. If you had the choice between one of the following traits, which would you
choose: (Artistic genius, beauty to rival Helen, universal appreciation and
respect from those who even know of you, savant-like genius)?
universal appreciation and respect from those I know me. If I am respected what else do I need?

3. What was the last good book you read, and what struck you most about it?
Go Ask Alice. (thanks to London, I felt a need to read it again.) what struck me about it? I reminded me how hard growing up is and fragile life is. Plus it reminded me why I don't do drugs.

4. If you could settle down to raise a family anywhere in the world and at any
time but here and now, where and when would it be?
I would settle down in 5 years and start the raising of the family in 10, we would happily live in Northern California. (I want to stay close to my family.)

5. What is your spirit animal (the one that teaches you, not represents you)?
Ok so I changes this post, so I would be able to tell the truth about my spirit animal. Honestly I think it is the salmon. I know many will think it is an easy cop-out, but really, the salmon leads and has a tie with its history. I admire how they go back to there birth place to lay their eggs. I hope I can remember always where I came from and what that make me.

THE RULES

1. - Leave a comment, saying you want to be interviewed.
2. - I will respond; I'll ask you five questions.
3. - You'll update your journal with my five questions, and your five answers.
4. - You'll include this explanation.
5. - You'll ask other people five questions when they want to be interviewed.

Pick yer nose

2004-02-01T21:53:00.000-08:00
how come i can pick my ears
but not my nose
who made up that rule anyway
how can you say that's the way it is
that's just the way it goes
why don't you decide for yourself
what you can do
and what you can say

how come i can pick my friends
but not my enemies
what is it about me that offends
what is it about me
'cause you know i'm only five foot two
and i'm giggly wiggly
tell me again, what did i do
why are you scared of me
i fight with love
and i laugh with rage
you've gotta live light enough
to see the humor
and long enough to see some change

i think shy is boring
i think depressed is too
i think pretty is nice
but i'd rather see something new
all these plastic people
got their plastic surgery
but we got a big big beautiful
we got it for free
who you gonna be
if you can't be yourself
you can't get it from t.v.
you can't force it on
anybody else

you know they come to clear cut
they come to strip mine
they come for some of my big butt
my big brain
or just a little time
they wanna take me out to dinner
think i'm a bitch if i don't go
seems like the people who actually like me
won't allow me to say no
your idea of a conversation
is the third degree
but i don't really know you
and i don't really want to talk about me

'cause i'm not going to pretend
that i don't pick my nose
that's just the way it is, my friends
that's just the way it goes
this is who i am
what i do
and what i say
if you like it, let it be
if you don't, please do the same
i fight with love
i laugh with rage
you gotta live light enough to see the humor
and long enough to see some change
-Ani Difranco

I don't even need to post Ani said it all for me.

The lost boys

2004-01-31T16:50:00.000-08:00
I had dinner w/ doc last night. It was good,I was so embarrassed that I knew so many people where we went...Oops!!...I thought the fact my brother hasn't worked there for a year and a half would mean that most of the people wouldn't know me and we could eat w/o interruptions...Wrong...Oh well, I didn't know. Sometime in the night he mentioned that I define myself by the guys I date/crush. I know that comment is all too true. I reflected on men in my life, and what they mean to me...Most I don't mean much, it is just that they are in my life. Then I did the same thing w/ guys no longer in my life, and made a list of guys I wish I could reconnect w/ (I want to see if I can have them in my life w/o changing me or defining me)....And went to bed....

I woke up this morning to a phone call from a friend in the conversation she mentioned that Greg was in basic training, and wanted me to write him...He was on the list....One down. I was kinda on a high so I phoned Ed, from econ, we talked for 45 min...number two... I didn't realize how much I missed him. (I hadn't talked to him since before Christmas.) ed and I made plans for Monday. I know it may seem small that I talked to them, but the list of guys I actually want to have a normal/healthy non-romantic relationship only has four guys on it.

I desire to only hove healthy relationships in my life, I know that the only way I can get that is by forming and evolving my relationships into ones that I am comfortable w/ the role I play in them.

How is the family?

2004-01-29T16:18:00.000-08:00
How do I always manage to say the wrong thing at the very worst time? I ran into one of my good friend's husband. I was playing the small talk game...How are you...How is work...What are you taking in school...How is the family?... Then he answered...Not so good were getting a divorce. Mind you I can count on my fingers how many times I have seen this guy. Never mind the fact that it is awkward as hell, when the only thing we have in common is no longer a good subject of conversation. I don't know how I manage to eat my words so often.

I told him to call me if he needed any thing, gave him a hug and left. I still can't shrug the crappy feeling I have...But there was nothing I could say to may the situation better. No happy comeback for I'm getting a divorce. I knew I should have just kept all comment on the weather.

I have kick ass hair

2004-01-28T20:31:00.000-08:00
I got my hair cut and colored today... It looks kick ass!...Good right?...No I want to go out dancing to show off the hair, and all of my dancing friends don't want to go out. Sorry I don't mean to be a sour puss. I just want to shake my groove thing!

One small step for man, one giant leap for Dragon

2004-01-27T16:21:00.000-08:00
Do you ever have moments where you meant to set on the line of your comfort zone but instead end up leaping right over the wall you build?...Me? Yeah it happened last night I reveled way too much information then I ever thought would escape my mouth. Somehow I felt comfortable and maybe I was craving a person to trust...but I disclosed things that I have never told a sole. What is worse is that it has left me doing more self reflection... Needless to say I got no sleep last night do to the fact I was up thinking and just couldn't shut the brain up.

I know for many geeks it is a small thing, but for me it was the world. Wait for it...Wait for it...Ok...I saw comics books for the first time last night! It is like the heavens opened and smiled on me for a moment. I know this is not the goal for most girls my age but I want to be the best geek I can. (thanks to doc I am getting a little closer to my goal.)

Ghost town

2004-01-24T12:49:00.000-08:00
And I don't know why I can't tell my sister,
He spat in my face again, and I don't want to die here.
You know that dream when your feet won't move,
you want to come but your body won't let you.
He steals it from me.He steals it from me.
It shines like sweat, like jewels,
Like something that has died to soon.
He fucks with the beauty.
A kiss, a kick, a kiss, a kick, a kiss kiss kick.
He steals it from me.
It's out of my hands again. -Heather Nova

yes... I have been listening to heather Nova. It always makes me want to cry. It reminds me of a guy who never got what she was singing about. Never understood the struggles, and even more never justified them. What a hate even more...Is that in some way I still love this man. If you don't let something run its course will it follow you for eternity? Or is rushing something to the death, sometimes the only option to save your emotional overflow. As Carrie once asked "can we ever give up the ghost?"

The virgin gamer

2004-01-23T09:45:00.000-08:00
I did something last night that I never thought that I would do...I make my character for D&D. yes I know...you would have never guessed, but it is true. I am a halfling and I don't remember the name of my class but it is the favored class of halflings. (I don't remember a lot about what was explained to me, there was just so much, and it was my first experience with any role playing games, so it was a tad over my head) I think the statistics I rolled were good I have some 17s. (the dm said that was good...and I trust him.) I do have a big dilemma facing me, what do I name my character? If you have any suggestions let me know. I'm excited to finish creating my character, then I can finally learn to play the game.

A life lived in fear

2004-01-22T16:43:00.000-08:00
I thought as I start a new semester and it being still the new years, I should start looking at my fears and facing them. The biggest fear that I encounter in all areas of life is the HUGE fear of commitment. I have trouble committing to any thing, and when I do commit after I do I want out of it. Look at my job history... The longest job I ever had w/ for 11 months. After 4 or 5 months I was ready to get out, the only reason I stayed was because I had a contract. My current job...yeap...ready to leave I have the 6 month itch.

I cant commit to people look at my relationships...My longest was about 3 months...I think if it's that short it is not called a long term relationship it is called a short-term relationship. The fear of commitment seeps into none romantic relationships in my life...The longest active friendship I ever had was 2 years. (an active relationship is some one that you consistently see. Not the childhood friend you pass and say hi to twice a year.)

So what am I going to do about it? Honestly...I don't know. But I think that I am going to try not to sabotage good things in my life just because I am afraid of a sour situation arising in the future. I will also try to not attempt to commit to things that are unobtainable. Will it work I don't know...but we'll see...
(sometimes when I write I feel like I'm giving myself a motivational talk. I feel like I should be standing on a platform raising my hands, yelling to get a rise out of me, in hope to motivate myself to get off my toosh and make positive changes. So feel free to read almost any post w/ booming loud-infomercial voice and you probably will sound close to the voice that is yelling at me from inside my head.)

ps. Sarah Marinara your hair looks amazing!! Check it out y'all (if I knew how to do one of those cool link things I would but I don't :( so just go to the right under blogs and click on hers. )

Tell me what you think

2004-01-21T18:19:00.000-08:00
so I got comments on my page. Yeah me! So now that means you MUST leave comments...or...else...

Are you a Gemini?

2004-01-21T17:15:00.000-08:00
Sorry that my blog has become a bitch session, that is not what I meant to make it.

To day I had the best day at school!!! I went to my first class archery and sat down and two people caught my eye. One female, Goblin with locks, and funky clothes on. I knew she was kindred when she said that she carries a picture of Ani w/ her at all times. The other was a guy, he is family. I made a comment to the girl about her tat and how much I liked it but wouldn't get one do to my fear of commitment. Brad looks at me and asks, "are you a Gemini?". Yes, I am SO a Gemini. So the class got out 40 minutes early and we all still wanted to hang out, so we went w/ brad to get his parking pass. I feel so lucky, I mean, how often do you meet someone on the first day of a new semester and feel it appropriate to hug, and share a water bottle the same day? Let alone two people like that? If this is any sign of what the semester has in store for me, I will make it!
ps I was able to add biology and yes Mac is as cute as ever.

i <3 html

2004-01-20T17:10:00.000-08:00
I figured out how to change the rest to the pink color. Now I just need to change the header so it doesn't look like a baby page. Wish me luck that I can do it w/o to much trouble or screwing every thing up.

i hate html

2004-01-20T16:06:00.000-08:00
ok so I'm not good w/ the html thing. And I kinda turned part of my page pink and I don't know have to turn the other part of it pink so you will have to deal w/ it till I understand what I'm doing. I was trying to turn it red but there was a small snafu. (give me credit I'm trying.)

Resolutions

2004-01-20T16:00:00.000-08:00
My computer broke. (what sucks about it is that it was my mom's computer, and she is pissed at me for whatever happened to it. OOPS!) :( I don't know who I do it 2 computers in 6 months, it must just be my good luck. But not to worry I will be getting a new computer, and will no longer be using a p.o.s. one or bumming computer time off others.

so I have been thinking about my new new years resolution. And the new ones are:
* get straight a's
* don't fall for any of my teachers, and give up the infactuation I have for a certain science teacher.
* read more fiction books
* save money
*keep my car clean (ok so this isn't a real resolution, just something I think I should do.)
*stop obsessing over trashy TV shows.
*don't break any computers!!!
I will add more resolutions as I think of them and as I become more motivated to shape my life to a more productive one.

Here I am expecting just a little bit too much...

2004-01-16T18:52:00.000-08:00
Ok, I have been listening to a perfect circle on repeat. I don’t know I that give you any idea of how I have been feeling lately. Here are the Lyrics For 3 Libras the song on repeat.

Threw you the obvious
And you flew with it on your back
A name in your recollection
Down among a million, say:
Difficult enough to feel a little bit
Disappointed, passed over.
When I've looked right through,
To see you naked and oblivious
And you don't see me

Well I threw you the obvious,
Just to see if there's more behind the
Eyes of a fallen angel,
Eyes of a tragedy.

Here I am expecting just a little bit
Too much from the wounded
But I see,
See through it all,
See through,
And see you.

So I threw you the obvious
Do you see what occurs behind the
Eyes of a fallen angel
Eyes of a tragedy

Well, oh well..

Apparently nothing.
Apparently nothing at all.

You don't
You don't
You don't see me
You don't
You don't
You don't see me
You don't
You don't
You don't see me
You don't
You don't
You don't see me at all

Right now I feel like that song was written for me. I throw the obvious to people I love all the time, in hope that they may see me, and they don’t see me at all. Do you ever walk thorough your life w/ your mental running commentary sprinting, and realize that you are not connected? Suddenly you move in slow motion, words are not enough only pictures and feelings are real and even the eyes can be deceiving, There are people in my life w/ potential to have a powerful emotional tie, but instead there is a staged shadow of connection. It is a disappointing in real life as in the “English Patient” to see the room for connection and the void in its place. The connection I speak of, I realize needs to come from w/ in but what happens when one becomes numb, to oneself? Those I have on pedestals must come down for only in that fall will I ever see myself in perspective. And it is perspective that the numbness dissipates….(don’t miss read me, it is not that I want those on my imaginary pedestals to be lower, just the same size. Realize the are human and flawed like the rest of us.)

Even school dumped me

2004-01-12T10:38:00.000-08:00
ahhhh... I hate school! And I’m not even in school! I was dropped from all my classes, which are now full... and the stupid school won't let me on the wait list for the classes do to the fact you can only be on the wait list for 5 units. This is going to suck the big one, I going to have to get on my hands and knees and beg for the classes the first day of school. ahhhh...I think what sucks the most is that at one point I had the classes I now have to beg for. Maybe by my next entry I will see a little bit more sunshine in my life.

Sexy, who knew?

2004-01-07T11:03:00.000-08:00
Wow… put this one in the record book because I’m posting twice in one week.
Mon. I hung out w/ rj and ap. It was random. Then the subject of boys and girls not being able to be friends came up. I expressed my feelings of when I meet boys in a situation and I think they are cool, interesting, I have the desire to see them outside the specific situation that I met them to see if they are really cool. It is a natural progression…meet…think you are cool…hang out…then decides friends, less then friends, or more then friends. (can you tell im a math major, I even have all relationships simplified to a simple equation.) rj interrupts me and expresses why it will never work for me.
Rj “you are so flirty that it will never work. Most guys aren’t use to seeing girls light up/get excited when they see them.”
Me “I’m flirty?”
Rj “Yeah, you have that sexy flirty thing going on.”
Me (stunned) “huh, I never think of myself as flirty.”
Rj “ yeah you’re the flintiest girl in the ward.”
I don’t know how to take it so I talked to my brother, brother said, yeah you have how many feather boas and you wear them how often? I tell him I don’t have enough and I don’t wear them enough. He goes on to tell me that I proved his point.

I know this is crazy but I feel like I have opened a whole new world I never knew. Somewhere in me unlocked by some power was a stream of sexiness. Now I just need to figure out how to channel it.

It's me dragon, if you don't remember me...this is my blog that i never use...

2004-01-04T22:50:00.000-08:00
ok so i lied im never going to be a good blogger... notes of interest... think i have had 7 different crushes since i last posted. and my big last crush just got married. yes mat got married on the 2nd. im glad it isn't me, im not ready for that kind of commitment, just i can't help but think if we had met at a different time, or something that things couldn't have been wonderful between us.

so i had a good 04 thanks to my lovely friends! they are that best. we stayed up way to late, told way to many secrets and had a blast that will always be remembered. i have to say i think it was the best new years of my life. it was the first year i didn’t think about not having some one to kiss, i was just so happy to be with the people i love most.

ok... so the new crush tony... he is so cute... i talked to him sunday at church and invited him to come to arts party. we have been sitting by each other for over a month now and in mormon land that is a long term relationship, so i wasn't prepared for what was going to happen... i told him to call me if he wanted to come to the party but it didn't matter either way... he called the 31 at about 730pm i was on my way over to art's...he told me he needed to get ready and grab a bit to eat. told me he would call me when he finish to get directions...he never called again.
so i called him the next day to give him a hard time...we talked for a few minutes and then he had to get off the phone... so i saw him at church... wait for it...yes...he comes and sits by me. so why if he flakes on me and doesn't want to talk to me (signs that he is not interested.) does he sit by me and chat it up like we are best friends... cant things be easy like a light that flashes green when the person you are talking to is inserted in you. i really want to be is friend, and my expectations are low, being as he hasn't performed in the passed, but how to i transition a church friend to a real hang out friend?

Update

2003-08-10T23:13:00.000-07:00
Question many (ok only those few close friends) who read this blog must be wondering where I have been. Maybe some have made a guessing game of it…I died…I got scarlet fever…Mat and I have fallen in love and I can’t find time to blog…I lost my computer…I forgot the web address… the list could go on and on. All of the above are untrue (and will never be true except the death thing and the mat thing. He doesn’t know it but I am wearing him down drop by drop), the real answer is that I just haven’t. Maybe it has been laziness on my part or maybe it I wasn’t comfortable having people read my writing. Whatever the reason, and it doesn’t matter why I left, I am back and I am here to blog-on ever more.
So much has happened to me… I moved back home with the ma’ so I could go to school more. I got a new job. Yesterday at the job, all I did was sit and read magazines and watch a client and coworker get a bit tipsy. (No, I am not a bar tender.)
In addition, a big change in my life is that my best friend is getting married. I am so happy for her; I just don’t know how to handle the change that it is in my life. I am hesitant to share this with her for I don’t want her to take it the wrong way. I don’t want her to overlook the fact that I am overjoyed that she has found a person to spend her life with. I can’t describe how happy it makes me just knowing that she will be happy. I just don’t know how to relate to her anymore. I know that most of what I tell her she will tell the husband and I am not ready for him to know that much about me. The stuff I don’t think that she will tell him, I still question because I know she tells him EVERYTHING.
Therefore, that rules out the deep emotional stuff. The smaller social stuff I don’t feel I can talk to her about. Until the engagement we shared a social circle, after the engagement she and the boy stated drifting out of the circle, do to the fact that they are no longer in the dating pool. So when I tell her of my plans Friday, the response I get is “why didn’t we get invited?” I am tiered of justifying the plans I have without her. So, I feel like I’m loosing my best friend. I tried to talk to my ma’ to see if she had any advice the only response she gave was that I should go back to counseling. I wanted to scream, “I want a friend, NOT a counselor!” there is a difference. Why is it so hard for me to feel that people understand me?

The boy, Mat I have had dreams about him. It has been strange, he has been gone for a week (no he didn’t go back to the machine) he went to visit his best friend. I think that the trip was a bit of a shock to him. I don’t know many of the particulars. Since he has been back, we have only exchanged short civil words. All conversation lacked emotion of any kind. I don’t know if it was the time away, or me tripping about the strange dreams, or we just haven’t had time, or what.
I have had plans for a week to go back over to the old house and burn cds with Art. (burn a wonderful sappy love cd for Mat, only not too lovey-dovey. I don’t want to come on too strong.) After the encounters since he has been back, the cd made a turn for the worst. It turned into a bitter, brake-up song filled, not lovely at all cd. Good thing Art came and saved the day and cd, she reminded me of all the smit I felt for Mat. I quickly remembered and the cd was saved. I will post the play list later, after it is finalized. I hope things go back to normal with Mat and me.

I need an island...

2003-06-17T12:43:00.000-07:00
Ok so the boy, Mat, well yeah I like him. I mean it is strange I am in complete like with him. He is smart (that is so sexy) and funny and best of all be is a genuine good person. Many people walk on their path of life thinking that the world owes them something for just being alive. Mat is one of the first people that I have met that doesn’t. He is so humble and grateful for all that he has.
I guess you get the point. I like him a lot and would be content dating him (maybe more than content.) yet I am happy where thing are now, friends. I just feel so blest to have him in my life in any arena.
Last night some friend got together to play his star wars game, (I know what you are thinking but the game is a blast, not geeky!) and it was so much fun. Every time I hang out with him I feel so luck that I know him. And unlike many boy I have be interested in past I don’t want to move to fast or rush anything that isn’t there. I know that we are meant to be in each others lives, what that means I have no idea. I will discover the meaning the more I get to know him and spend time with him.
Ok, I have to tell you about my ex. He is still in my life and fear that he will continue to be as long as I live with his best friend. So I was dating this guy RJ and thing were ok. Ok as long as I ignored all the red flags in the relationship. He was older than me. (I was 18 he was 27) Things were good on the surface, but I wasn’t physically attracted to him and he wouldn’t open up to me emotionally. It makes for a bad match. When I say I wasn’t physically attracted to him I mean it. Sometime I would kiss him and get a bit sick feeling thinking to myself, “yuck I’m kissing him.” and would have to stop. Well that wouldn’t have been bad but things went from ok to worse. I feel it is ok to have a less then perfect relationship as long as both involved in the relationship take equal responsibility for actions. We got into a fight and I remember him blaming the whole thing on me. The fight was over things moving to fast physically, neither of us wanted that, but it still takes two to tango. I give some background on our relationship to better understand the current situation. Art and him are best friends, (honestly I’m fine with that I think he is fine guy just not for me to date.) but I see that she is having the same problems with him as I did. It seems that his close relationship become almost abusive. (Not like he is hitting any one, just a unhealthy relationship and balance of control. He has all the control.) It is hard to hear sometime because I got out of the relationship for a reason and having to hear about it almost makes it like I have to relive it, or at lease rethink about it. I don’t know why I felt it important to reveal it about RJ and Art but I think it better illustrates the dynamics a bit better.
-Mazie

Jenny don't change your number....I got to make you mine

2003-06-16T14:22:00.000-07:00
In efforts to surround myself with good, positive people I chose a person to befriend. The boy I wanted to befriend goes to my church. So… I got his number off a church phone listing. I called the number.
“Hello, is Mat there?”
“Nope wrong number.” the other end replied
“Sorry.” I hung up and thought to my self maybe I missed dialed. So I called the number again.
“Hi, I think I have the wrong number again sorry.”
“Are you calling from the church?”
“Yeah how did you know?”
“Well I have a next door neighbor named Mat.”
We exchanged details about the boy, age, job, hair color, etc.
“I’ll go over and get him.” The other end said
I screamed out of embarrassment in my head, in reality I froze. Next thing I here is a loud thump. Thinking to my self please, not the door. Yes he did he went over to Mat’s house
“Hey Mat there is a girl on the phone for you can I get your number to give to her?”
I got the number. Now I was so embarrassed I did not want to call him any more, but he knew a girl, me, Mazie, was going to call so I couldn’t not call him. So I dialed the 7 longest number of my life. Then I had to explain the whole situation to him.
I thought that the embarrassment was over. He replied to me having a church phone list with, “I don’t know why I was on it I only gave them my information today.” (Meaning there would be no way I would have it yet because the information wouldn’t be in the computer yet.)
The story doesn’t end at loss. We went out last night, even after all that. And I must say I had a fabulous time. I had a wonderful birthday/fathers day and I can’t imagine a better one. Well the only thing that would have made it better is if I had remembered to show up to my surprise birthday party. I got home late from hanging out with Mat and some friends. To a house with roommates sleeping, Art was the only one still up. She informed me that I missed my surprise birthday party and that the roommate throwing it was mad. I talked to her this morning to try to smooth things over, I hope all is ok and forgiven. Anyways it was worth it I had a blast. I hope that there are more to be had with Mat.

The Beginning

2003-06-15T02:23:00.000-07:00
Today is my birthday I'm 19 years old. Feels like forever some days and a minute others. I came home from some traditional birthday celebrations, and proceeded to have a heart to heart with my roommate, sarahmarinara. We both cried and shared mushy sob stories of our lives; in the end sarahmarinara came to the conclusion that I needed a blog.
While talking to sarahmarinara I told her that I was tiered of having above average experiences and getting below average results, thus my blog was named. The experience I was talking about was the best date I ever went on. It was a blind date, and I did't know the girl that set me up with the guy very well. It was great, no expectations!!! We went to dinner, out dancing, good conversation, tons of laughter, we drove around for a few hours after dancing, and then went home. I thought it was wonderful, and in fact, I labeled it my best date.
Maybe the best date for me. He never called. I even waited the five days, or whatever the rule is now. A while latter I was having a get-together at my house so I called him casually and invited him. He was short on the phone and didn't come over. We haven't talked since.
I know that this shouldn't be a big deal, get over it, and move on! But this happens all the time, I have these wonderful experiences with people, and the person I am having the experience with doesnâ€™t reciprocate the feelings. I have come to the conclusion, I am fed up! I no longer feel that I need to be a victim. I will be a fighter (thank you Christina) and in being s fighter I must live both offensively and defensively.
I will no longer put myself on the line for people who are not willing to meet me on the line. Many times I feel like I am looking at linebacker from the NFL, they are in stance read to plow over me, and oops, I forgot my pads and helmet. No longer will I be unprepared. I will be strong and demand that the people I share my valuable time and experiences are worthy of both.
I'm glad that I got that out. I realize that it is easier said then done. I'm sure that the rest of my entrees will be contradicting this one, having multiple mention of unworthy people; we'll both just have to find out.
-mazie